Scared to death. "Can I pretend I slept through the alarms?" No, self, you're stronger than that.
OMG, I'm going to toss my cookies. "Calm down. It will be fine." *Runs to bathroom.*
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Repeat to self 47 times.
And this was at 5 AM, before I started getting ready. I managed to iron my uniform, grab a water and all my clinical supplies, and head out the door. I arrived on the unit, and ran to the bathroom right after I put my bag down. (The limbic system is responsible for stress related GI issues. Mine has a very active sense of responsibility.)
After getting that handled, I went to look up med administration times and order changes for my patient, nervous that he would have been discharged by the time I arrived this morning. (If any of you know me, it's a running joke that I can't keep a patient. I have not once ever had a patient for the entire duration of shift.) I received report, gave report to my instructor, and went to my patient's room, cringing the entire time it took me to open the door to the room.
I went in, introduced myself, and started the assessment... and I realized, I was fine. My fear had melted away, and I was confident. I can and I will do this. And I did. I completed the assessment, charted vitals, gave meds (and on time, I might add), gave a bath, and so many other things! And I didn't feel stupid or incompetent. The primary nurse was great, and allowed me autonomy, but she was there if I needed her. My instructor was awesome, and peeked in occasionally. I stayed busy the entire morning, and I gave my patient the best care I possibly could. This nurse thing is me.
Our group went to lunch, and when we returned, my patient had orders to be discharged. Of course. :)
But... it made me so happy because I got to d/c my first (real) IV!
And at the end of the day, my primary nurse and my patient thanked me and told me I provided excellent care. Excellent!
Because real nurses skip around with med trays. :)
I never got caught up in the now pervasive culture of lying when I was a teen. It's everywhere, and most people don't even realize it anymore. Youth are talking about how "real" or "fake" their peers are, and most have totally different personas around their friends than they do family. When did it become okay to allow children to have split personalities, and even encourage this behavior? ("Oh, isn't that cute?", "It's just a phase...", "Relax, it's a trend.", etc.)You may wonder why this is even a concern of mine when I don't even have children yet. I'll tell you why.
I will have children. And those children, like others, grow into adults. Those adults practice what they always have. And if their background is one of deceit, they will carry the principle into all areas of life. Even if they remained true to self, they may have been targeted by others, and have trust issues as a result. You may not understand what I'm talking about, but I'll clarify in a minute.
Teens, and even younger children, are being subjected to a materialistic culture where values have been abandoned in favor of appearances. If you're not using the latest terminology or wearing the newest fashions, you're not accepted by the self-appointed elite of the high school (or even middle school) community. Where do adolescents pick up these 'values'? Media. Possibly even parents. Why is it detrimental? Because we are teaching our children, either actively or passively (by not addressing the issue), that they must reinvent themselves at the drop of a hat to be accepted. Biblically, we know that the Lord looks upon the heart, not the external appearances or the particular phrasing used in prayer (1 Sam 16:7, Matt. 6:7). Society has separated biblical values so far from the media that the youth are being inundated with trash instead of truth.
When the youth grow into adulthood, it is the parents' responsibility to have lain a foundation for them to build upon (Prov. 22:6). Unless they know that the focus should be on their character, they will be afraid to be who they really are. Think about it. We have taboo topics about faith, love, and compassion. American culture has us brainwashed into believing that we must be politically correct to avoid offense, but Christianity can be undermined with no problem. Love has been reduced to casual sex and cohabiting "to get to know the person," and compassion comes off as "being soft." People now specify who is "keeping it 100%" as if it is expected for everyone else to be liars. Satan has duped the majority of Americans into isolating themselves from the true joy of Jesus Christ. We are collectively motivated by fear or selfishness (and if you think not, think of how often you wonder if this or that would be offensive or how things have certainly changed since you were X age).
I have a passion for the youth. It burns fervently, and I am determined to wake them up from the fog of lies that the adversary is perpetuating without resistance. There are consequences for every action, and Jesus Christ has paid those consequences for us, if we will only have faith to trust in Him! Through the freedom of Christ, we are not bound through false "liberties." (Think: freedom of religion, freedom of speech, the right to bear arms, and I could go on and on...) Our freedoms through Christ are not governed and are irrevocable. We have the freedom of eternal life, the right of perfect health, the privilege of prosperity, and the joy of a relationship with our Savior and Creator (Gal. 5:1)!
Faith, according to Hebrews 11:1, is not seen. The Bible says the just shall live by faith (Hebrews 10:38, Habakkuk 2:4). Fear is the opposite of faith. A good acronym for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. It is believing those circumstances rather than the word of God. Think of how many times the bible tells us to "Fear not." Faith is the title deed to what we believe. We can't see it, but it is what we live by. Without faith, we cannot please God (Hebrews 11:6). Why is faith so important?
Faith is how we receive salvation. When we are saved, it is a great gift of grace. We literally live by faith in the grace of God. From then forward, when God looks at us, He sees only the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ covering our sins. We are no longer filthy and dead (2 Cor 5:21). We are not of this world. We have purpose. And purpose is what our culture lacks. It is what the adversary fears. Satan knows that if Christians unite in purpose, he can never succeed (Eph. 4). Truth scares him, and when truth goes forth in the name of Jesus Christ, it is a weapon to be feared (Heb. 4:12).
Who will join me in spreading the Truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ? I refuse to stand and let society's influence and focus on appearances overwhelm and deny the youth their inheritance of liberty, health, wealth, and, most importantly, an eternal relationship with the Lord God.
As I promised, my posting is sporadic. The only way I am able to post right now is because I have the day "off", which simply means I am doing coursework at home rather than on campus. Thus far, I have had one day of orientation and introduction to Psych Nursing, and one day of Clinical Experience. The Clinical Experience day is always fun. We went over central lines and care, blood administration, basic mental status exams and interviewing, PCA pumps, and had two simulated experiences.
I love actual patient care, but the simulated experiences always get me because it is not a real patient and we have to pretend about certain things. A pole with a box on which is taped a piece of paper does not symbolize IV pump to me, so I had difficulties. My funny for the day? Me yelling to the Sim operator (a nurse from the ED at trmc) "You better get out here or "Mr. B" is going to die if you leave it up to me!" I just do better if it's real; you'd think a simulated experience would help, and while I do learn from them, it's always because I look like an idiot and don't want to repeat that embarrassment.
Through the hectic day, I realized that I was calm and fully enjoying the day. Usually, I am anxious about failure or not being able to remember the information. Today, I just felt like the Lord was with me the whole way. It brings this verse to mind:
"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them."-Ephesians 2:10
I felt this way the first day of class, too, and it dawned on me that I am sincerely looking forward to the next two semesters without apprehension. I am nervous, yes, but not crippled by anxiety. I am 'more than a conqueror' in Christ Jesus! My main goal is to complete my assignments and studying in a timely fashion and leave procrastination in the dust.
I also have a second goal. I want to be at my goal weight by the first of March. I want to be a toned 165 lbs. I was at 150lbs. before, but I did not feel healthy and I had bruising from my bones rubbing my skin at night. That was an unhealthy weight for my 5'9" frame, and I felt my best at 165lbs. This time, I am incorporating more exercise into my routine, and I have decided to keep a food diary, starting today. I have gained around 60 lbs. since I started dating my now husband, and my self-control with food has gone to pot. I want to diary it to find out why I'm eating so much and at times when I'm not hungry. If I am going to honor the Lord in my studies and future career, I must do so in my body to be able to carry out the ministry He placed within me.
I'll probably update my progress every ten pounds. Don't hold me to that, as I may forget LOL. But it feels good to know I am taking a stand (again) for my health and future. As of right now, I can say this is the best shape I have been in (mentally and emotionally) in a long time, and it's only 'fitting' :) to bring the rest of me into line. After all, what good does a new engine do in a vehicle if the transmission is shot? The same with us. My spirit is me; it is my battery that powers my life. My soul, or thoughts, will, and emotions, is my alternator, plugs, and wires. (Other parts are working in harmony, too, but I don't have great metaphors for those right now. Maybe that can be hubby's project, lol.) But, with those in perfect working order, they are of no use to me if my transmission (body) won' let me go into the gear I need at the time. And the Word of God does the maintenance. It is my trusty mechanic that fixes those things that are broken, tunes me up when I need it, and fills my fluids so I can keep going. Why would I neglect it?
After that long tangent, I must get to work. I have four assignments to complete today in order to free my weekend up for family and meal prep for next week. In parting, I encourage you to leave anything that's too big for you in God's hands. He is bigger than any problem you could have, and His grace is sufficient for you. Remember, His strength is made perfect in your weakness. You are not a failure; you are only being refined in the fire.
Photo by Teresa Blanton
Tomorrow is the last day of my freedom, also known as summer break. I'm trying to look forward to what the Lord has in store for me without dwelling on the work and sacrifices it will require. Two more semesters and I'm ready for NCLEX. I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
I've been selfish during this break because every time we plan a day trip or weekend with the whole family, plans fall through. My 18 day respite has been mostly cleaning and sweating, and I haven't felt like I've really had the opportunity to take advantage of the break. I see pictures of everyone's beach trips or even lake days on facebook, and I have to quell the surge of jealousy. I remind myself that I am blessed with paid bills, paid taxes, paid tuition, and a family I love. And a quote comes to mind....
"Comparison is the thief of joy."-Theodore Roosevelt
I will enjoy my last day with my family tomorrow and be happy for it. There's also the fact that I just booked our stay in Charlotte for our mini-vacay the end of this month. We're going to see Skillet/Papa Roach/Shinedown and relax in the hotel paid with points we get from using our credit card. Prepaid getaways planned over time are great. Oh, and I'm happy because I just got my free Zaxby's meal deal card in the mail. Woot! (If you haven't signed up for all the birthday clubs, you really should look into it. It saves a ton of money around your birthday and there are random surprises year round, too.)
As for tonight, I'm about to hit the hay and thank the Lord for these blessings.... And leave tomorrow's troubles alone.
Okay, I'm on the last couple of days of break until the Fall Semester starts. So, what do I do with my time? I wreak havoc on my house. My mobile home that has seen better years. I moved in almost two years ago, but my husband lived here with his brother for almost 6 years before me. His brother bought it used, and he moved out about 8 months ago with his wife. Since then, Chris and I have tried our best to make a home of it. That means everything from deep (and I mean deeeeeeeeeeep) cleaning to ripping up rotten flooring to cleaning wildlife out of forgotten crevices. Ever seen two bachelors living carefree in an already forlorn trailer? It ain't pretty.
Well, my biological clock is ticking and I'm hoping babies are in the near (~2 years) future. Hubster and I are thinking of obtaining property and building our dream home while living in our current Casa de Amor. Know what that means? Babies will be brought into aforementioned casa. There is significant water damage that I haven't even mustered the courage to face in the kitchen. I can only use about half the total cabinets because of this issue. So, I figure it's best to rip it out, right? It can't be that bad, right? I mean, I'm talking about the lower 2 (of 3) drawers and two shelved cabinets under the corner sink, along with the neighboring dishwasher currently housing microbial life and (ironically) cleaning supplies inside. Just tear out the rotted shelves and drawers, and remove the nasty doors, I'm thinking. Until we can afford new cabinets, I can use a sheet of plywood to fashion makeshift shelving after I clean up the mess and strip the dirty linoleum. So I set out with this plan.
I gather some trusty tools to do the job... Phillips screwdriver, pliers, claw hammer, handsaw, gloves, etc. You never know. The bottom drawer has been caved under the other two and unused for Jesus only knows how long. (This is shameful, and I'm questioning the sanity of the unveiling here.) I gather my courage, and commence hammering the tracking out of the way to fish the drawer out of its hole. Step 1 complete. Feeling confident, I proceed to Step 2. I remove the strip of pressboard supporting the middle drawer, careful not to disturb the support for the top (and sole functioning) drawer. Done! I remove the drawers, still full of old utensils from years gone by, and look beneath them. Pretty shadowy, and really grimy, but I continue to the adjacent cabinet doors.
Alas, some gremlin has triumphed over my plan through screws with a square head. This is not something I came prepared to tackle. Eh, I'll ask Chris when he gets home. In the meantime, I can at least remove the rotted and saggy pressboard shelving, eh? WHO PUTS CABINETS IN USING VINYL STRIPPING AS SUPPORTS??? I'm talking like the old timey stuff that dry rots and crumbles. Except this stuff is on steroids and is screwed into the cabinet boxes themselves with the pressboard wedged in the slot usually meant to house glass refrigerator shelves or something of like nature. So, now my nice, neat plan is as not neat as the cruddy kitchen of my frustration. Let me top it off. Determined to not get frustrated, I decided to at least clear out all the old crud that had fallen from the drawers and shelves to the floor underneath over the years, and what is my reward? A mouse. Deceased and disgusting. The way it looks, he may have perished from the shock of what he saw down there.
So, a recap of my day:
Going to get so much done! Let me get my tools!
Yes! Little bit done, let me do this...
Well, maybe this...
Fine, I can at least do this...
You can have it. I shall drown my sorrows in Excedrin and blogging.
And I'll remember....
Point. Blank. Mystery. is a tribute to my view of life. Blank is a tribute to my name, but I view each day as a new opportunity and what it brings is a mystery to me. I've learned to place my cares in Jesus's hands and trust Him. I'm just a simple country woman pursuing my Savior with my husband on our journey through this life. I'm two semesters from my dream of becoming an RN and I'm trying to lose weight that I've gained over the past two years before starting our family. Nothing about my life is so significant, but it's everything I've always wanted, and I consider myself blessed.
I've wanted to try my hand at blogging for quite some time now, and I would love input from others along with accountability. I may not blog everyday as I keep a hectic schedule, but I plan to make this a regular part of my week. I may share an account of the day, recipes, workout tips or blunders of my own, bits of humor, nursing school woes or triumphs, and maybe even pieces of my walk with Christ.
I'd love to take this walk with you, one blog at a time. :)
