Before You Judge Me

One of my instructors asked me yesterday, "What is going on with you lately?"  I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.  I'm sure on her end, she sees that I'm late on a deadline or absent-mindedly misplacing a part of an assignment.  While I try to keep everyone invested in my education abreast of what is happening that may cause me to falter, I can't make them understand the reality of it. 

Don't misunderstand me; this is not a 'pity post.'  Encouragement I can accept, but I will not accept pity.  (Hint: any suggestions will be taken into consideration.)

I feel like I'm struggling to tread water right now.  This is my last semester, and it really isn't a difficult one.  I enjoy my classes and actually look forward to the reading assignments for Maternal Child. 

But life does not stop to accommodate me.  In the past couple of months, Chris and I have moved in with my in-laws because of financial and conditional concerns with the trailer.  This has been a struggle.  I love being here, but it's also hard to fit two families with differing routines under one roof.  It has been an adjustment, especially considering that I'm just now emerging from food aversions, random bouts of nausea and tossing my cookies, and major fatigue. (And did I mention that we still haven't moved most of our stuff?  I have to fit that in sometime during this month.)

The problem is, I've escaped the first trimester to be introduced into a whole new realm of adversity: migraines and "pregnancy brain."  I did not realize pregnancy brain was real.  I've heard it mentioned, but brushed it off.  IT IS REAL, PEOPLE.  On my last NUR 215 test, my brain left me hanging on three different concepts that I had studied and rehearsed for two weeks.  I ended up looking at the paper as if I had never learned English or something.  I wanted to cry, but could only laugh at the absurdity of the situation. 

And these migraines need to go.  I can't remember not having a headache now.  They lighten up some around lunch time and then build up the later it gets.  After supper, I'm usually laying in a dark, quiet room with a cold cloth on my head trying to escape the aura.  Considering that that's my study time, this isn't working out so well.  I'm thinking of asking my doctor about Fiorcet when I go back for Bean's checkup.  It used to work great, but I went a while without having migraines, so I stopped taking it.  I'm not sure what category it is offhand, but something's got to help, and soon.

And the latest on Bean.  Technically, I'm between 16 and 17 weeks right now.  Problem with that is, I've felt movement for two weeks now.  And that's not the light, fluttery movements.  I felt those at 13 weeks and the nurse told me it was gas.  I don't know about everyone else, but gas does not feel light and fluttery to me.  I have IBS and gas hurts.  But we'll see.  Whether I measure sooner than my due date or not, this child is at the very least an active one.

Latest cravings, you ask?  (Actually, you probably don't care, but if you clicked to read the blog post, I may as well give you material...)  Baked potatoes.  Green beans, lima beans, and milk gravy from Shealy's- all mixed together.  Fruit, especially strawberries, melon, and grapes.  And sometimes I'll just want a specific place or type of food and I'm good when I get it.  But I think I could eat my weight in baked potatoes.  Considering Chris's family nickname is Spud, this baby's womb service orders are right on target. :)

Latest Christopher statements that I found ironically hilarious....
After telling Chris I needed to shave my legs and I felt like a gorilla, but didn't have the energy: "No, you're my koala; they're cute."
Sitting in church with the whole family in Lexington: "You're getting to be more Bean than belly." (Why thank you, love, I hadn't noticed my fluffiness could be mistaken for baby belly.)

Oh, I love this man.  And this life that only I live.









But on the bright side....

Days Go By

It's been a while. 

I feel like I'm in a fog lately.  I guess this is part of the "pregnancy brain" phenomenon that I've heard people talk about.  I have done so many goofy things in the past week and a half.  Just today, I did poorly on a test because I overlooked phrases on the multiple choice and completely blanked on a few of the written parts.  I can't do anything but laugh because I rehearsed those exact parts for two weeks out of paranoia.  Hopefully it gets better.  Hopefully.

I'm growing for sure.  Bean is making his or her presence known and my belly looks like I am extremely bloated.  Not cute baby belly, but big gas baby. Bleh.  One site that I love and helps me keep sanity and perspective through this is www.alphamom.com/pregnancy-calendar-overview I even read it to Chris each week, and he enjoys it too.  The woman is hilarious.

I'm not really having specific food cravings.  I just want what I want when I want it lol.  I finally have eased off the nausea and that's a huge relief.  We'll get to find out if Bean is a boy or a girl March 13th.  I'll be 18 weeks plus then, but that's how the scheduling worked out.  I guess a couple extra weeks won't hurt.  (By the way, I want a boy and Chris wants a girl; this should be interesting....)  We have names chosen.  We have a color scheme picked out.  We'll choose a theme once we know boy or girl.

It seems as if May will never get here, and at the same time, I feel like it's flying.  I love clinicals, and I really appreciate my instructors being so great.  I've worked so hard for the last several years toward this goal, and now that it's almost here, it feels very surreal.  I just need to keep my eyes on the prize and stay the course.  By August, I will be an RN with a wonderful husband and a sweet baby. 

By the next post, maybe I'll have something better to write about. ;)  For now, I just needed to clear my mind (ha!) and touch base with those of you who care to know.  And if anyone has any tips to help clear the fog I seem to be stuck in, that would be awesome.

A Letter to our Baby

Dear Bean,

You are forever stuck with this moniker.  It doesn't matter if you are a boy or a girl.  We'll find out in a few weeks, but Bean you shall remain.  It's settled.

Now, several years from now when we have "the talk" and you are curious about babies, where they come from, and what goes on during those arduous nine months, I will refer you to this post.  These are the things for which no one adequately prepared your mommy (or daddy, to be fair).

Mommy gets emotional over videos and pictures of little babies and tortures herself with the stories of those children who Jesus needed with him before they were adults.  I think of you and pray that the Lord will prepare you for the call He has upon your life.  When I first read the story of Hannah and Samuel in the Bible, I knew I was to devote you to the purposes the Lord has for you.  Your daddy and I are anxious to see you, the blessing for whom we prayed.

The doctor says you are about 10 weeks along your journey, even though I think you are a little further.  These weeks have been a roller coaster for both your daddy and I.  About week 6, I woke up nauseated one day and am still waiting for it to stop.  Even though I feel sick much of the time, I still want certain foods.  The food that I want often changes daily.  Weeks 6-8 I wanted black olives and banana peppers in a salad with ranch and Italian dressing.  One evening, your daddy called me from the grocery store frantically trying to find black olives (because we don't usually eat them).  I cried at the thought of him giving up before finding the olives.  After that night, I didn't want olives or banana peppers anymore.  I craved Mexican food for a week and ate it once; that was enough.  Nothing tastes as good as I imagine it will.

Everyone told me to drink ginger ale and eat crackers for the nausea.  You, my little Bean, must not have appreciated it.  I have figured out that Cherry Coke and sour cream and cheddar ruffles are the best at ridding the queasy feeling.  I try to eat healthy other than those two things.  I always want fruit now, especially oranges, tangelos, bananas, and strawberries.  In fact, I think your Poppy was perturbed when he took us to dinner at one of our favorite Chinese restaurants and I consumed mainly fruit.  Your Memaw was amused, I believe. 

I have had some days where smells bothered me.  A couple of nights, your daddy and Memaw had to finish making dinner.  There was a week where the smell of human breath made me cringe.  I hope I'm over that because your daddy thought it was hilarious and purposely breathed his hot breath on me.  He recovered after a few days, and is doing well.  Seriously, he's been a trooper, especially since I can't sleep very well at night now.  I steal covers, push him to the furthest edge of the mattress, take pillows, crawl over him to go pee, and other worse things all in hopes of getting comfortable and sleeping.  I think he's only moved to the couch twice so far.

What else is there?... emotions, food, nausea, insomnia, oh! yes, how could I forget...

When you first were entrusted to me to carry you for this time, yet before I quite knew it, I had a little meltdown in the doctor's office.  I had noticed some changes happening in my body and my pants were rather snug.  I went to my primary physician and found that I had gained 9 pounds in two weeks.  This was my first clue that I was carrying you.  Since that day, my weight has gone down and is gradually creeping back up.  You are so small right now that most of my weight is not quite from you yet, but from changes my body is making to prepare for you.  Honestly, I feel like I have a gas baby or a food baby holding your place.

All those things aside, your daddy and I can't wait to see you.  Make no mistake, you take your time growing and developing.  But, when it's your day to emerge into this world, I look forward to counting your toes and fingers, and hearing your first cries.  If your daddy doesn't pass out, then we will be proud of him together and you can congratulate him by crying louder than him.  Just bear with us; we're new at this.  We won't always get it right.  But we will always try our best.

Love,
Your Very Anxious and Grateful Mommy

It's A... Turtle?!

Yesterday was my first OB appointment.  I wasn't really sure what to expect, as I had bits of information coming at me from several directions.  I was scared as to what we would have to pay and at the possible disappointment of not seeing our baby on ultrasound.  (Someone with our same insurance told us we wouldn't have an ultrasound until well in the second trimester.)  Regardless, I prayed for peace and got ready to go.  Chris and I stopped to pick up my Auntie and headed up there.

After some research, I decided on Lexington OB/GYN, and I made my appointment.  It wasn't until I got there yesterday that I found out I was accepted despite the fact they aren't accepting new patients.  Praise Jesus!  I loved the office staff, the ultrasound tech, the nurse, and the doctor.  I will have ultrasounds at 12 weeks, 16 weeks, 20 weeks, and 28 weeks.  The 16 week and 28 week ultrasounds are no cost to us.  I felt fully informed and a definite part of the decision-making team. Anyway, on to the details of the visit...

First stop: ultrasound.  This is the moment I have waited for.  I have had crazy dreams for weeks, and have had to pray to absolve random thoughts and fears about this baby.  The tech stepped out of the room for me to undress, and I happened to look at her photos of her children.  I graduated with one of her sons, so I made Auntie hold up my coat in front of the pictures while I assumed the correct garments.  She complied with my odd requests before she realized how absurd I am and laughed at me. 

The tech came back in the room and proceeded with the ultrasound.  I looked at the monitor as if each millisecond took hours to locate the baby, and finally the screen was consumed by our little one!  Chris, Auntie, and I looked in wonder and thankful relief at our tiny baby developing inside of me... a little wonder, an honest miracle. 

At this moment, I uttered a silent prayer of thanksgiving, and in the next moment it struck me how much our baby resembles a turtle.  A turtle with a big head. Blame it on my pregnancy brain or my random sense of humor, but I laughed.  It was a welcome sign to escape the tension of my nerves that has built with each pain or thought over the past few weeks.  We're having a turtle!  I still laugh at the thought.

By the size of our baby and some other key pieces of information the internet doesn't need, the best guess as to when Bean shall join us is between August 8 and August 14, but August 14 is more likely as this is our first baby.  It feels surreal to be able to place a date on when our child will be expected to arrive in this world. 

We later spoke with both the nurse and the doctor, asking any and all questions we pleased.  The nurse gave us a lot of materials to read and reference, including a book that my OB wrote (which is really awesome, by the way).  Not many people get the seal of approval from Auntie, but they passed with flying colors. 

I am looking forward to the next seven months, and I'm simultaneously frightened by the next seven months.  I take comfort in knowing that the Lord wants this baby to be here.  All the things I was supposed to do to become pregnant concerning my medical diagnoses, I didn't do at all.  Yet, we have a little blessing on the way.  And in no mindset could I ever believe that my God and Savior would make a physical way for this baby without also making the means to provide.  So, we rejoice in this knowledge! 

When I have the time, I will post an image or two of ultrasounds along the way, but for now, I want a small glimpse into our humble beginnings before baby...

Minutes before he popped the question.

Busch Gardens Tampa March 2012

Epworth Camp, Greenwood SC July 2012

Senior Pinning Ceremony May 2013

Before Carnival of Madness August 2013

Meet and Greet with Skillet August 2013

Billy Graham Library September 2013

Our Wedding Day 10.11.12

A Time of Firsts

Everyone has pretty much summed up their Christmas experiences on Facebook with pictures and captions.  I have been pretty ill and am just now feeling well enough to do so.

We spent Christmas Eve at my brother- and sister-in-law's house in Lexington with both my in-laws and my sister-in-law's family, a first for us.  I forgot to take pictures, but we had so much food.  We had ham, turkey, copper penny carrots, broccoli casserole, ham rice, baby limas with ham, deviled eggs, green beans and potatoes, macaroni and cheese, hawaiian sweet rolls, cookies, sweet potato souffle, and probably more things I'm forgetting.  I have no idea where we thought all that food was going, but we could have fed a third world nation... or two.  We figured out that my little niece, Sarah, does not like green beans.  I really regret not getting that facial expression on camera.

After we were all miserably stuffed, Chris and I went to my aunt and uncle's house by the lake for what we expected to be the annual Christmas Eve party.  Turns out, only my uncle was there... eating cereal.  I wish I would have known so we could have brought him a decent dinner.  Turns out, my aunt had a change of job position and would not be home until wee hours of the morning.  I found out some things that have recently happened on that side of the family, and request your prayers for them and their sons, daughter-in-law, and grandbaby.  We stayed and talked with my uncle a while before continuing on to my Auntie's house to pick up a washer and dryer.  Chris did all the dirty work and I played with my little Jaden while he was working.  We finally made it home sometime around midnight and we crashed.

We were supposed to be at my in-law's by 8:30 or 9 on Christmas to start making the traditional breakfast before opening gifts.  We woke up around 9:30.  We ate breakfast just before noon.  We did remember to take our camera and capture some images of opening gifts, so I'll let the pictures tell most of the story... (By the way, if I come up missing my mother-in-law has likely murdered me for one of these pictures- I'm sure you can figure out which one.  It was worth it.)

And now that you've shown enough interest to read and peruse, I will invite you to share in our most exciting first... parenthood.  We are not sure of the exact due date, only sure that sometime in July or August, we will gain a blessing we have come to refer to endearingly as "Bean." 

I didn't realize it fades, but you get the gist.  Now you can see what we're thankful for in 2013 and have an idea of some resolutions for 2014.  Any firsts for you?

About Time...

It's been so long since I've written a blog entry.  Life has been so full.  Not necessarily a bad full.  Just a "life is changing and there are things to be done to accommodate it" full. 

I have successfully finished my fourth semester of nursing school.  One more semester and then NCLEX and I will be Brittany Blankenship, RN.  May 15, 2014, I will walk across the stage and officially be a college graduate.  I wish my Daddy could be there.  I'd be the first generation in my family to do so.  There is so much attached to this journey, and I am thrilled to be still standing.

We are so close to Christmas.  9 days, people.  Finished your shopping?  We have, and I think we will continue to be October shoppers every year.  That has taken a lot of stress off of me, and allowed us to avoid terrible traffic! I am so looking forward to Christmas this year.  We will have Christmas Eve dinner at my brother and sister-in-law's house and Chris and I will head to my aunt's house after for her annual party.  Christmas morning brunch at my in-laws then opening gifts.  The gifts may not be worth much monetarily, but I can't wait to see everyone's expressions when they open them, because we chose each one with such care.  Oh, it's going to be wonderful.

I'll post pictures after everything settles, maybe the day after.

And, giving Christmas its due respect, I look so forward to 2014.  I feel the Lord has so much in store for us.  Life will take turns that it never has before.  I will be employed again in a career that I love.  We will pay down accumulated debts.  We will look to move after then.  Such adventures await us!

What are you looking forward to?  Christmas, New Years, a day sometime next year?  A penny for your thoughts...

Just a look back to last year...

A Deep Breath of Contentment.

It's been a while. 
Not that I have this huge following that tracks my blog attendance, but I would like to be more regular with my posts.
Let me remind you, I am in my next to last semester in nursing school... no other excuse necessary.
This is what I've been brewing lately...

I have been super stressed about school.  I have not been doing well, and all my studying wasn't enough.  I got some great tips, and I put them to good use.  Thanks for those!
Really, though, I have had a deep-seated peace about all the chaos.  I know that I can do this and I know that I will.  I thank the Lord that He is with me and leads me in wisdom.

I did well on the most recent tests I took.  I plan to study and apply the material even more in these last few weeks.  I am encouraged, and it feels great.  I plan to knock out my Well Elder paper/teaching plan and my Patho Paper this weekend.  I will start studying for the Neuro test when I finish those.  I love having plans and the motivation to go with them. :)

I had a hospice rotation today.  I enjoyed it, but I have a tendency to get too attached to people, so I know it likely would not be in the cards for me.  Cardiac is my passion.  I finished my five weeks of psych nursing clinicals yesterday.  I will miss my patients.  It's funny how much they taught me, and how little I expected to gain from it.  I will never lose those memories now.

I've always felt that I don't fit in.  Sure, I have a bazillion acquaintances, and I'm a stranger to none, but there are few I let see my vulnerable moments.  I'm the odd ball out, and I have very few good friends.  Sometimes, I feel so lonely, and other times I'm so exhausted that I feel it's best this way.  Anyway, last Saturday, I felt I connected with people.  Not patients, peers, or instructors.  Friends.  We had dinner with my husband's best friend from childhood and her husband.  I was extremely happy to connect, as we don't often get the chance, and I'm thoroughly pleased to plan further get-togethers with them.

Lastly, I decided to stop saying what I plan to do.  I'm just going to do it.  If it is noticed, fine.  If it isn't, fine.  I've got to do things for me, not for how I think others perceive me.  And that's that.

Just an old pic from Christmas 2010, but I always feel at peace when I see it.  Yes, those are pajamas.