A Deep Breath of Contentment.

It's been a while. 
Not that I have this huge following that tracks my blog attendance, but I would like to be more regular with my posts.
Let me remind you, I am in my next to last semester in nursing school... no other excuse necessary.
This is what I've been brewing lately...

I have been super stressed about school.  I have not been doing well, and all my studying wasn't enough.  I got some great tips, and I put them to good use.  Thanks for those!
Really, though, I have had a deep-seated peace about all the chaos.  I know that I can do this and I know that I will.  I thank the Lord that He is with me and leads me in wisdom.

I did well on the most recent tests I took.  I plan to study and apply the material even more in these last few weeks.  I am encouraged, and it feels great.  I plan to knock out my Well Elder paper/teaching plan and my Patho Paper this weekend.  I will start studying for the Neuro test when I finish those.  I love having plans and the motivation to go with them. :)

I had a hospice rotation today.  I enjoyed it, but I have a tendency to get too attached to people, so I know it likely would not be in the cards for me.  Cardiac is my passion.  I finished my five weeks of psych nursing clinicals yesterday.  I will miss my patients.  It's funny how much they taught me, and how little I expected to gain from it.  I will never lose those memories now.

I've always felt that I don't fit in.  Sure, I have a bazillion acquaintances, and I'm a stranger to none, but there are few I let see my vulnerable moments.  I'm the odd ball out, and I have very few good friends.  Sometimes, I feel so lonely, and other times I'm so exhausted that I feel it's best this way.  Anyway, last Saturday, I felt I connected with people.  Not patients, peers, or instructors.  Friends.  We had dinner with my husband's best friend from childhood and her husband.  I was extremely happy to connect, as we don't often get the chance, and I'm thoroughly pleased to plan further get-togethers with them.

Lastly, I decided to stop saying what I plan to do.  I'm just going to do it.  If it is noticed, fine.  If it isn't, fine.  I've got to do things for me, not for how I think others perceive me.  And that's that.

Just an old pic from Christmas 2010, but I always feel at peace when I see it.  Yes, those are pajamas.

Encouragement, Willpower: Where Art Thou?

This should be short, sweet, and to the point.  You see, I have to get back to working on assignments, and I just needed to breathe.  I received my grade for our fourth Med-Surg test on Immune/HIV/AIDS today.  I failed it.  In fact, I have only passed one out of the four tests thus far this semester.  I'm not looking for pity, by any means.  But I would love some sound advice, if you have any to offer.

I have given up so much to be here.  I KNOW this is my purpose.  I only miss it by a few points each time.  Passing is an 80 or above.  Seems like 77 is my number lately.  I have to figure out a different way to study or a different set-point for my brain.  I am highly distractible, especially in class.  I try really hard to focus.  We have rearranged our family schedule to accommodate my study needs.  I have never been one to use flash cards, and I even used those for materials in charts this past test.  I have tried the SQ3R method, as suggested by another classmate.  It has to be modified because there literally does not exist an amount of time sufficient to complete that method of study for our required materials.  There has to be something that works better for me.  I'm not an auditory learner, by any means.

I have this peace that only comes from knowing that my Savior is in control.  I just want to bring Him glory throughout this journey.

Thanks in advance for advice, prayer, tough love, or whatever you have to offer.

No Mold Used in my Making!

I know many times we have heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt, "Comparison is the thief of joy."  I believe I have even mentioned it in my blog.  For some reason, it is being made very real to me right now.

I went to an AA meeting yesterday as part of a mental health nursing assignment, and the topic discussed was inferiority, and how it may have contributed to the problem.  I haven't been able to stop this thought process.

"Inferiority: the belief that oneself is lower in status or quality than another."  Who holds this belief?  The one feeling inferior.  This is a belief that one affixes to him or herself and defines the way he or she participates, reacts, or interacts in daily life.  I even let this be the determining factor of relationships and standards in my own life for many years. 

I realized yesterday while listening to these people that everyone has an avenue that they run to when they feel overwhelmed, inferior, or even invisible.  Alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, meth, and heroine are only the few that everyone recognizes and fears.  What about the other avenues?  Food, anorexia, compulsive exercise, sex, shopping, cleaning, giving out of duty, etc.  There are many others.  We look to all these things to improve how we feel, how others view us, and how we view ourselves.  But the "high" only lasts so long, and we are right back where we started, often with more guilt than before.  As it was said, these addictions are only symptoms of a disease.

So what changed for me?

I had the revelation of who I am in Christ.  The phrase "in Christ" or "in Him" is mentioned 133 or 134 times in the New Testament.  I plan to go back through these verses every so often to remind myself of God's love for me, and what he cared to do based on this love.  When a person really perceives or grasps what they have in Christ and lives based on that reality, there is no inferiority.  We have been made joint heirs with Christ. Read John 3:16 over.  Don't recite it.  Get the word in front of you and read it to yourself, out loud, etc.  until it really sinks in.  Read the 17th verse, too. 

There is no guilt or condemnation in Christ.  There is no comparison, no pointing of fingers, no whispers of judgment.  There is love, and there is an inheritance so vast we cannot fathom. 



Every day is not easy, but Jesus told us that we must labor to enter into His rest.  His burden is easy and His yoke is light.  What is this labor we must do?  We must labor to break out of the mindset we carry.  We must come to the point where our trust is in Him, and we are "fully involved."

When we can enter into His rest, we are made aware of His presence with us.  We can be more alert to His promptings.  We can rest assured He cares.

When we know Him and trust Him, we can stop comparing ourselves to the ideal.  Not everyone is going to have the same features, and that is the beauty of humanity.  The differences between us make us appreciate them more.  Whether in appearance, personality, likes, or dislikes, we should revel in that we are not a cookie cutter creation. 



Appreciate you.  Appreciate the way you look, laugh, talk, walk, etc.  Appreciate your purpose in life if you know, or the search for it if you're not sure yet.  Don't look to others to define you.  Be who you are and enjoy it.  You are special, and you have a special purpose that only you can accomplish.  No one else will be able to fulfill your purpose exactly the way you will.

Don't try to hide who you are when your perception of a "flaw" could be the asset needed for success.

Nostalgia. Procrastination. Peace.

Those three words sum up this moment.  I was supposed to be studying while my husband is at church helping clean up the grounds for our Old-Fashioned Homecoming tomorrow.  My plans have been thwarted.  I began by starting a pot of coffee and paying bills online, and ended up cleaning a huge mess when I heard something that sounded like  water dripping.  I went over to the kitchen, and lo and behold, there was coffee everywhere! It covered the bar and had formed small coffee-falls over each side onto both carpet and linoleum below.  After a mini heart attack and some towels, I finally sat down to finish paying bills, and now I'm writing a blog.  It's quite humorous how I think I can stay on task.

I moseyed over to check facebook, and saw pictures of people I haven't seen in what seems like ages now.  It made me want to return to those times, since I've been surrounded by so much stress lately.  And with our church's Old-Fashioned theme for homecoming, I again contemplated why we long to return to another time.  Why is the idea so appealing?  And then it hit me: we long for a simpler, less complex existence.  We forget that those times had problems of their own, and the technology we complain so much about now has solved some of those problems while creating a few others.  In a nutshell, no one is content with any circumstance in any era unless they know the One who placed them there.  The one factor that has remained the same throughout time is our need for our Savior.  Everything else may change, but Jesus Christ is the same- yesterday, today, and forever!  (This reminds me some of our bible study last night (the first of many!) that went so well.)

So, while I drink this hard-earned coffee and think about studying :) I will be grateful for the peace I have in the midst of the chaos.  I may falter, but the Word of God is there to help me up and back on my way.  He shall be a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.  Let the Lord light your way today too.  Don't stumble when He's so willing to guide you.

Fuel for My Spirit

I just failed my liver/pancreas/gallbladder test.  I failed myself by not studying more.  I only used the weekend, and should have studied each night of the week, too.  I know this.  I can only blame myself.  I count it as a lesson learned, adjust my priorities, and study smarter for next time. 

While I had a freak-out "oh Lord I'm going to fail and let my entire family down and have to start all over and how will I pay for this and can I even do it again" moment, I quickly reined in those thoughts and cut to the heart of the issue.  I'm exhausted.  Mentally and physically, yes.  Emotionally, yes.  But most of all and most importantly, I'm spiritually exhausted.  I've been feeding my body and cramming material into my mind, but I've mostly neglected my spirit.  My spiritual starvation is affecting my mood, my interactions with others, my level of stress, and my lack of self-discipline stems from it.

So, I talked to our preacher yesterday, and I will start a weekly bible study next Friday night at the church.  (By the way, I plan on using What the Bible is all About: Bible Handbook KJV by Dr. Henrietta C. Mears to guide the study.  Chris and I picked up this gem at the Billy Graham Library when we were in Charlotte.)  I will study up for each lesson every morning.  This will not only prepare me for the weekly lesson, but prepare me for each day.  I always have a better sense of self-discipline when I have my walk on track with the Lord.  My time management skills will need improvement, but my time is sufficient when I start it out the right way.  It's almost like tithing my time.  I never fail to have "increase" of time when I "tithe" a portion of my day with the Lord.

So my tentative weekly agenda looks like this right now:

And if you don't see anything marked for times after class Mon-Wed, those are flex study times.  I can't say what specific hours, as it depends on what happens or needs to be done that day.  Just know if I'm not running errands or cooking/laundry, I'm going to be studying.  This semester will not be the end of me.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! I can and I will.

A Lot Can Happen in 10 Days

So, it's been 10 days since I last posted.  I didn't mean to go that long, but life will continue on, regardless of our plans. 

I have attended classes and clinicals, and received some unexpected blessings along the way.  We are currently studying the liver, gallbladder, and pancreas.  My brain wants no part in this.  But I will get it.  I loooooove clinicals.  After the spring semester, I never thought I'd be able to say that, but God has blessed me with an instructor I can learn from without the fear of every moment being tainted by someone waiting to catch me doing something wrong.  I love my group, too.  We have an awesome dynamic, and I will be sad to start psych clinicals in two weeks.  Five weeks of this semester is already gone; how crazy.  It's unsettling how much I have to do in so little time.

Tomorrow, I have my ED rotation.  I'm nervous, but I'm excited to see if it's something I will enjoy.

For tonight, we have just eaten dinner.  Ordinarily, that wouldn't be a spectacular accomplishment.  Only tonight, it was served on our new-to-us dining table that we were blessed with.  A classmate of mine heard of our need for a bed, and connected us with her dad, who had a bed he was going to toss out.  We gratefully went to pick up the bed, and left with a mattress cover, bedding set, a toaster oven, and a dining set.  I am so thrilled!  It amazes me that God not only provides our needs, but our wants too! 

Back to Reality!

Okay, sorry it has been so long since I have posted anything.  The hubster and I just returned from our mini-vacay in Charlotte.  We went for the Skillet/Papa Roach/Shinedown concert, and also worked in a visit to the Billy Graham Library and a Revolutionary War reenactment.  Well, we didn't stay for the reenactment, but we toured the Latta Plantation and got some great pictures.  I'll try to post some of those pics in the next few days.

I felt like we were on our honeymoon all over again.  We walked all over the place, chased the wind where we wanted to go, and even had our own little tailgating party in our hotel room.  (So proud of my CLEMSON TIGERS, by the way!)  But my favorite part... the bed.  Our poor bodies relished the comfort of the bed in our hotel room and loathed the trip home lol.  In fact, I think Chris is over there adding mattress sets to his hopes and dreams list as I type this.

The long and short of it.... We were able to forget our adult responsibilities for a couple of days and act like kids.  We were refreshed.  And now we're home.  It pushes me to buckle down in my studies.  Our next opportunity for a getaway is after I graduate. 

But... my birthday is Saturday.  That means Christmas movies, chicken wings, and smores.  Yes, that is my request.  And I think I'm done for the night.

My body and brain are tired, and I have real life to return to in the morning.  Good night!